U.S. Government Drops Fourth of July Holiday After Complaints

by | Jul 4, 2019 | Humor & Satire

“Justice for all” was the message from the White House today when it announced it was eliminating the Fourth of July as a federal holiday.

“The idea of celebrating our nation’s declaration against oppression, when in fact many of our founding fathers were slaveholders themselves, is offensive in the extreme. We will no longer glorify an event connected with an era of slavery.”

The move is in keeping with popular calls for historical sanitization, and it seems to have inspired several well-known names to take a similar stand. Shortly after the White House’s announcement, Disney declared that they were removing long-standing icon Mickey Mouse as their company symbol, due to its association with an era of film-making infamous for its mistreatment of animals. Virgin Mobile announced it would change its name to Vital Mobile to avoid connection with the historical repression and abasement of women based on their sexual status. Similarly, fast food notable Taco Bell has decided to drop the bell from both its name and logo, due to its closeness to the chimes of churches built along El Camino Real.

Though some dissidents have taken to social media to protest these changes, most commenters reveal a positive view. “Finally, someone is paying attention to the fact that history is dirty and messy, with oppression accompanying every advance. The only way to avoid being reminded of the darkness in our past is to forget our history entirely!” one blogger approved.

Others, not content with the current changes, have launched online petitions to encourage more institutions to do the same. Among those targeted are the U.S. Army, whose upcoming switch to WWII-style uniforms is a reminder of a genocidal, racist time in the world’s history that is better off forgotten. The upcoming Top Gun: Maverick movie is also under siege to be cancelled, due to the association of its name with the violence plaguing our nation’s schools. Perhaps most visibly, picketers want the Washington Monument to be torn down, since its obelisk form is a constant reminder of our nation’s habit of cultural appropriation.

“The government has done a good thing with cancelling the Fourth of July,” said Colin Kaepernick in a tweet to his followers. “But it’s just the beginning. Let’s keep the pressure on to remove all offensive symbols connected with our nation’s history!”

* This is a work of satirical humor, designed to draw attention to inconsistencies or ironies in contemporary topics. It is a fictional story.

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